tiredddd. sleepy. coffee doesn't work anymore :i i wonder if i should do my grp 4 project on the effects of coffee on teeth. see if the effects can be reversed. mehh.
yay i likey this laptop it has this cool radio stations thingy.
http://syndication.choiceradio.com/zap.cfm?og=370&broadband=false&pid=5
i get to listen to nice nice music. awesommeeee.
sometimes i wonder if i can really do this, pull off this whole ib stunt without diminishing my integrity, without getting discouraged, without burning out, without killing my body and my eyesight.
as we pass through the various phases of life, as we pass through our different levels of schooling, it gets easy to treat people as trivialities. there one day, gone another. distance and time has this subtle eraser effect, when i meet someone i haven't seen/talked to in 5 months, will i still remember what it was like to be close to her? friends become acquaintances; the thrill of having known someone so well just seems foreign. maybe not yet, but how long will we last? i wish forever. but that seems so unreal. being in school most of life for the past 16 plus years, makes life seem like a vaccuum. friendships formed because of sheer proximity? likely, but not wrong.
i don't know. this weird song has the phrase "i've been breaking down" repeated like throughout the entire song. talk about a lack of inspiration.
trivial trivial trivial. maybe it's because so many things are too important.
maybe i'm just getting lazy.
layzee. i like the way the word rolls off my tongue.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Saturday, April 19, 2008
oh my momma. i actually forgot the rj guitar concert. wth. !!
this is why i shouldn't have tried the whole off-your-handphone-so-you-can-study-in-peace thing. at least i would have gotten a reminder.
AHHH!
grahh.
on a brighter note, my mom allowed me to go for hamlet eeheee :D i was like, mooommmmmy. i just remembered, next friday i'm going for king lear (okay fine, i lied.) remember? i bought the tickets long long time ago and you said yes, so um. can papa fetch me?
aahhha.
this is why i shouldn't have tried the whole off-your-handphone-so-you-can-study-in-peace thing. at least i would have gotten a reminder.
AHHH!
grahh.
on a brighter note, my mom allowed me to go for hamlet eeheee :D i was like, mooommmmmy. i just remembered, next friday i'm going for king lear (okay fine, i lied.) remember? i bought the tickets long long time ago and you said yes, so um. can papa fetch me?
aahhha.
and the sun will set for you
peace, or complacency?
not sure where my sense of urgency has run off to. knowing full well that time's running out, yet playing complacent in the self resassurance that i cant do much else.
fact is, feeling calm doesnt feel right. feels unnatural, looking at the neverending amount of things that's to be done, that could/should be done, thinking that i've got all the time to do it yet knowing that thats not really true. everything right now feels ephemeral, perhaps i'm enjoying myself too much. this feeling that the present is short lived all the more makes me insist on trying to slow things down.
then again, it could be because God's given me inner peace in the knowledge that He will tide me through, that i will get through somehow. i just can't tell if it's faith, or emotional inertia.
getting my priorities right, or selfishness?
i wonder where the friend i always am to people disappeared to. being that friend that people always need gets tiring, always being attuned to others and being sensitive all the time just got exhausting and so i pulled out; i just stopped trying because i didn't want to raise that inevitable bar of expectations higher than it already was. i got good at being deliberately disappointing i guess. at shutting people out, at withdrawing, at saying things to make people feel the way i want them to, at building up that wall. ive done it many times to others, and i will do it again. because i dont like emotional proximity. i'm wary of people getting close because it inhibits my freedom, my freedom to attend to other things besides them. i should warn people beforehand about this then, that i'm good at manipulating emotions. i admit it, and i'm sorry. i wanted to be the friend you needed, but i backed out because i knew i wouldn't manage to pull it off, better now than later.
when you thought you meant something, but it turns out you didn't. when you thought you mattered more, but you just weren't good enough. i'm aware, and i'm sorry, but i would do it all over again. but it's not you, it's me. i'm selfish like that, and trust me when i say that i'm not worth it. temporary respite yes, but long standing tower of refuge, no. but i know it's too much to ask for your understanding, so i don't, and i won't.
i close both locks below the window
i close both blinds and turn away
sometimes solutions aren't so simple
sometimes goodbye's the only way
and the sun will set for you.
not sure where my sense of urgency has run off to. knowing full well that time's running out, yet playing complacent in the self resassurance that i cant do much else.
fact is, feeling calm doesnt feel right. feels unnatural, looking at the neverending amount of things that's to be done, that could/should be done, thinking that i've got all the time to do it yet knowing that thats not really true. everything right now feels ephemeral, perhaps i'm enjoying myself too much. this feeling that the present is short lived all the more makes me insist on trying to slow things down.
then again, it could be because God's given me inner peace in the knowledge that He will tide me through, that i will get through somehow. i just can't tell if it's faith, or emotional inertia.
getting my priorities right, or selfishness?
i wonder where the friend i always am to people disappeared to. being that friend that people always need gets tiring, always being attuned to others and being sensitive all the time just got exhausting and so i pulled out; i just stopped trying because i didn't want to raise that inevitable bar of expectations higher than it already was. i got good at being deliberately disappointing i guess. at shutting people out, at withdrawing, at saying things to make people feel the way i want them to, at building up that wall. ive done it many times to others, and i will do it again. because i dont like emotional proximity. i'm wary of people getting close because it inhibits my freedom, my freedom to attend to other things besides them. i should warn people beforehand about this then, that i'm good at manipulating emotions. i admit it, and i'm sorry. i wanted to be the friend you needed, but i backed out because i knew i wouldn't manage to pull it off, better now than later.
when you thought you meant something, but it turns out you didn't. when you thought you mattered more, but you just weren't good enough. i'm aware, and i'm sorry, but i would do it all over again. but it's not you, it's me. i'm selfish like that, and trust me when i say that i'm not worth it. temporary respite yes, but long standing tower of refuge, no. but i know it's too much to ask for your understanding, so i don't, and i won't.
i close both locks below the window
i close both blinds and turn away
sometimes solutions aren't so simple
sometimes goodbye's the only way
and the sun will set for you.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
running on 3 hours of sleep a day, feels like i'm putting in so much but it's not my best. but it's actually quite fun, getting over the initial frustration at the extremely large amount of homework and lack of ability to comprehend vectors and matrices (i swear i need to speak to the rg math department. GRR.) and finally finishing some portion of it at 3 am in the morning. ib's fun like that, no regrets xD
justtt wondering how on earth i'm going to get around to persuading/bluffing my mom into letting me go for hamlet on 25th and hc choir concert on 9th. omg>< i can't lie for nuts. maybe i'll try telling her it's king lear and will contribute greatly to my ib grade. D;
on another note, i'm getting increasingly bothered by some bad habits i've picked up :/ one, eating at unearthly hours, two, sleeping late and having to three, drink coffee that turns my teeth yellow, four, sleeping in class which is really awful because i've never slept in class before and learning how to sleep with my eyes open is not really a talent i'm proud of, five, swearing, six, chatting on msn, seven, unconsciously saying really mean stuff and only realising how disgusting i sound minutes later. whaddamigonnaadoooo.
and omgoshh i am so pissed about 2.4 -.- i thought i had to run one more round so i was like, jogging towards the frickin finish line D:(directions on the new route around school weren't clear i swear!), so basically i didn't speed up at all nor sprint which means i could have gone muchhh faster because my legs were barely aching even though i did lunges yesterday AHHHHH. pfffft. never mind. next year. at least i got my B but it's sooo annoying knowing that i could have gotten my A. pfft.
so it's been school, homework, eat, sleep, school, homework, eat, sleep. i could actually get used to this (: surprisingly, i'm not complaining about a lack of excitement, and neither am i really missing rg life..life's just, pretty cool.
/edit
also, QT on the book of Daniel and reading Wallace's The Lord is King: The message of Daniel reminded me once again of something i had almost lost sight of after reading Amos in dec.
Daniel 2:31-34 reads,
31 "You looked, O king, and there before you stood a large statue—an enormous, dazzling statue, awesome in appearance.
32 The head of the statue was made of pure gold, its chest and arms of silver, its belly and thighs of bronze,
33 its legs of iron, its feet partly of iron and partly of baked clay.
34 While you were watching, a rock was cut out, but not by human hands. It struck the statue on its feet of iron and clay and smashed them.
i dont accord only a political/historical significance to that colossal statue. it could stand for our little empires, social, academic, financial or ecclesiastical in the midst of which some of us sit enthroned, trying in vain to find security and satisfaction. it could stand merely for the image of our own future.
but we'll never be at peace until weve really seen and acknowledged that this empire of ours, whatever it is, must give way before the coming of the kingdom of God.
quote Wallace, "For it is because men have nothing 'high and lifted up' to raise their eyes to, nothing bigger than themselves and their own world to worship and wonder at, nothing more certain than their own ideas by which to steer their destiny.....that a life grows stale,..and frustrated.
...New life and healing can come to us only when we begin to find purpose in pursuing not our self-centred aims but the glory of God himself, when we find rest in certainties that are completely beyond the changes and chances of human history, and find that we possess righteousness and peace only when we possess them as gifts from God himself."
what is it, that i'm aiming for? it's not about sounding idealistic either, i guess it's about availing yourself, away from self pity or worry or other preoccupations like your social life (or lack of one) or studies, to listen to what He has to say.
justtt wondering how on earth i'm going to get around to persuading/bluffing my mom into letting me go for hamlet on 25th and hc choir concert on 9th. omg>< i can't lie for nuts. maybe i'll try telling her it's king lear and will contribute greatly to my ib grade. D;
on another note, i'm getting increasingly bothered by some bad habits i've picked up :/ one, eating at unearthly hours, two, sleeping late and having to three, drink coffee that turns my teeth yellow, four, sleeping in class which is really awful because i've never slept in class before and learning how to sleep with my eyes open is not really a talent i'm proud of, five, swearing, six, chatting on msn, seven, unconsciously saying really mean stuff and only realising how disgusting i sound minutes later. whaddamigonnaadoooo.
and omgoshh i am so pissed about 2.4 -.- i thought i had to run one more round so i was like, jogging towards the frickin finish line D:(directions on the new route around school weren't clear i swear!), so basically i didn't speed up at all nor sprint which means i could have gone muchhh faster because my legs were barely aching even though i did lunges yesterday AHHHHH. pfffft. never mind. next year. at least i got my B but it's sooo annoying knowing that i could have gotten my A. pfft.
so it's been school, homework, eat, sleep, school, homework, eat, sleep. i could actually get used to this (: surprisingly, i'm not complaining about a lack of excitement, and neither am i really missing rg life..life's just, pretty cool.
/edit
also, QT on the book of Daniel and reading Wallace's The Lord is King: The message of Daniel reminded me once again of something i had almost lost sight of after reading Amos in dec.
Daniel 2:31-34 reads,
31 "You looked, O king, and there before you stood a large statue—an enormous, dazzling statue, awesome in appearance.
32 The head of the statue was made of pure gold, its chest and arms of silver, its belly and thighs of bronze,
33 its legs of iron, its feet partly of iron and partly of baked clay.
34 While you were watching, a rock was cut out, but not by human hands. It struck the statue on its feet of iron and clay and smashed them.
i dont accord only a political/historical significance to that colossal statue. it could stand for our little empires, social, academic, financial or ecclesiastical in the midst of which some of us sit enthroned, trying in vain to find security and satisfaction. it could stand merely for the image of our own future.
but we'll never be at peace until weve really seen and acknowledged that this empire of ours, whatever it is, must give way before the coming of the kingdom of God.
quote Wallace, "For it is because men have nothing 'high and lifted up' to raise their eyes to, nothing bigger than themselves and their own world to worship and wonder at, nothing more certain than their own ideas by which to steer their destiny.....that a life grows stale,..and frustrated.
...New life and healing can come to us only when we begin to find purpose in pursuing not our self-centred aims but the glory of God himself, when we find rest in certainties that are completely beyond the changes and chances of human history, and find that we possess righteousness and peace only when we possess them as gifts from God himself."
what is it, that i'm aiming for? it's not about sounding idealistic either, i guess it's about availing yourself, away from self pity or worry or other preoccupations like your social life (or lack of one) or studies, to listen to what He has to say.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
i miss.
i miss reading books on a saturday morning. i miss playing the piano, i miss going running at night, i miss being able to just listen to music and not do anything else.
i miss having time to worry over a new hairstyle, i miss having time to just walk down to the hairdresser and cut a frickin fringe.
i miss being able to read a book from cover to back.
i miss having time to plan stuff. i miss having the opportunity, the right, the leadership, to plan stuff. i miss networking.
most of all, i miss being able to plan for a future with my friends in it. i miss bsquared, i miss the wedding planner idea, i miss designing shop/brand logos and not having to worry about money.
but it doesn't mean i don't love the present, i do. i'm milking it for all it's worth, i wonder if i'll miss it too in the years to come.
context is all. context, is all.
i miss reading books on a saturday morning. i miss playing the piano, i miss going running at night, i miss being able to just listen to music and not do anything else.
i miss having time to worry over a new hairstyle, i miss having time to just walk down to the hairdresser and cut a frickin fringe.
i miss being able to read a book from cover to back.
i miss having time to plan stuff. i miss having the opportunity, the right, the leadership, to plan stuff. i miss networking.
most of all, i miss being able to plan for a future with my friends in it. i miss bsquared, i miss the wedding planner idea, i miss designing shop/brand logos and not having to worry about money.
but it doesn't mean i don't love the present, i do. i'm milking it for all it's worth, i wonder if i'll miss it too in the years to come.
context is all. context, is all.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
i think i've become better at hiding my feelings. at being casual friendly. at pretending not to get suggestive puns, at laughing it off, at simplifying things, at keeping things safe and simple. at keeping things within a boundary. at not doing anything. at maintaining my status of single and not looking. i remain undecided as to whether that's good or not.
but sometimes i wish my life had more drama. not so mundane, not so routine. but alas, ib does not allow for that. which brings me back to my quote, which apparently people-who-i-don't-even-know know: i won't allow a boy to get in my way of 45 points. no distractions, there's too much at risk, and i know myself too well to try anything funny and make myself so vulnerable. so i guess i'm stuck with lame infatuations that make life interesting. bahh humbug.
NGHHH. i wish my life were a play, drama over, get back to reality, nothing changes, dream all you want, experience all you want, risk nothing, gain everything. sometimes i wish i weren't held back by obligations, duties, expectations. well, challenges are fun i guess, but sucks the life out of you sometimes. & i'm starting to realise that i've planned my ib life to like, june. wow, cssp, japan trip. i don't know what's going to come next. NOT GOOD.
thank God for literature and it's life sustaining ability. remind how much i adore analysing characters. to be able to delve into the mind of a character..awesommeee stuff.
WHICH REMINDS ME, MY DAD STILL OWES ME A COMMENTARY FOR THE GOSPELS. nghh.
new bad habit: bingeging on chocolate and sweets and nuts and raisins. d*mnit i'm going to be diabetic and a fat glob at the end of year 6 i swear. especially annoying because i keep deluding myself that tennis training is keeping me fit. which i swear is not happening because 1. i can't run omg! >.< 2. i feel heavier when i'm doing pushups. o.O 3. i get tired after 1 bucket of balls. D;
what happened to my discipline in eating HUH. i wonder how eugene does it >< pretty amazing stuff, that guy. :(
zzz. not good not good not good. bad bad bad.
i realise i sound like a shallow air-headed bimbo who's worried about her weight.
haha, don't care. judge all you want. i love myself.God loves me. my family loves me. i have friends. that's all that matters <33
but sometimes i wish my life had more drama. not so mundane, not so routine. but alas, ib does not allow for that. which brings me back to my quote, which apparently people-who-i-don't-even-know know: i won't allow a boy to get in my way of 45 points. no distractions, there's too much at risk, and i know myself too well to try anything funny and make myself so vulnerable. so i guess i'm stuck with lame infatuations that make life interesting. bahh humbug.
NGHHH. i wish my life were a play, drama over, get back to reality, nothing changes, dream all you want, experience all you want, risk nothing, gain everything. sometimes i wish i weren't held back by obligations, duties, expectations. well, challenges are fun i guess, but sucks the life out of you sometimes. & i'm starting to realise that i've planned my ib life to like, june. wow, cssp, japan trip. i don't know what's going to come next. NOT GOOD.
thank God for literature and it's life sustaining ability. remind how much i adore analysing characters. to be able to delve into the mind of a character..awesommeee stuff.
WHICH REMINDS ME, MY DAD STILL OWES ME A COMMENTARY FOR THE GOSPELS. nghh.
new bad habit: bingeging on chocolate and sweets and nuts and raisins. d*mnit i'm going to be diabetic and a fat glob at the end of year 6 i swear. especially annoying because i keep deluding myself that tennis training is keeping me fit. which i swear is not happening because 1. i can't run omg! >.< 2. i feel heavier when i'm doing pushups. o.O 3. i get tired after 1 bucket of balls. D;
what happened to my discipline in eating HUH. i wonder how eugene does it >< pretty amazing stuff, that guy. :(
zzz. not good not good not good. bad bad bad.
i realise i sound like a shallow air-headed bimbo who's worried about her weight.
haha, don't care. judge all you want. i love myself.God loves me. my family loves me. i have friends. that's all that matters <33
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)