is it for me, or for you?

sometimes i think i'm a bit heartless. i think all these cruel things i'll say to my mom to push her to just accept the damn programme. i stare in the mirror and i think-speak cruel words to my reflection that's supposed to be her. and God forgive me, i cry with hate.

but that's not how it's supposed to be, i know. i mean it's probably some motherly instinct to make the decisions you think are best for your child, but really, maybe letting your child make her own decisions is the best thing you could ever do for her.

you know, when I break down (note that it's not an 'if'), it's you who will suffer. I'll make sure you undergo as much trauma as I'm going through. I'll make your world as dark as mine, trust me, I'm capable of it. oh maybe I'll just jump off to make you regret choosing prestige over my happiness.

really, i'll be no one in rj. it's not about mindset, don't you understand? i don't want to regret not standing up to you, for once, for myself. and i don't want you to blame my failures on me when you made the damn decision for me. and don't think i don't hurt when i say things that cut. what is it, "language is a double-edged sword", ironic that i actually get it now.

i just want to be someone. i don't want to take the easy way out, i don't want to take the well-trodden road, i want to fight for what i believe is right for me. what's the destination worth if the enjoyment of the journey never happened? even if i don't do well, at least i have the process to rejoice in. if there's no process, what happiness is there to speak of? and i don't want to, you know, get a place in a university because, oh hey you're from RJ right, in you go. can't i do something for myself, for once?

and God, speak to me. I've no clue how to know your will. I'm not hearing Your reply. Do I pray somemore? Will you speak then? Or do I, i don't know, open the Bible and find your answer on the open pages? How Lord, tell me how.

Those who know You will trust in You,
For You, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek You.
Psalm 9:10