I'd rather burn out the best, than let them die as embers

I had intended to write on Very Problematic Dilemmas of the year. But in retrospect, one way or another, they've all been resolved, and, in surprisingly not-so-complicated-but-not-considered-simple ways. Friend's blogs, scripture, The Mom's advice, worm's matter-of-fact-in-your-face lawyer replies. Further proof that He always provides.
So it's the last 20 minutes to the end of an amazing year, I guess it's time for thanksgiving and new year resolutions.

2008, the year I realised rg wasn't the worst of it. The year I realised 7 am was the limit, not 1 am. The year I heard of Red Bull, Guitar Hero, and ttyl idk imo gg ftw ftl etc etc. Call me unexposed and living under a rock, but yes. At least NOW I know. The year I started having conversations with guys my age for more than 3 minutes. (Whoohoo!) The year I felt compelled to behave like a lady and not go into facial spasms whenever I felt like it. The year I studied 1 month of my year-end holidays away, watched a grand total of 3 movies, and the year I really missed the rg people. But not once have I regretted the move, because I've loved the change, loved the people here, loved the school and maybe not the homework, learned to love what I study, and loved studying with the people here. I love the freedom I have to make mistakes, to be corrected, to get a second chance, to revise a piece a work to the best I could and submit it to IBO with no regrets. I’ve learnt that strength comes from God and not myself, that sometimes being alone is better because it’s just you and God. I’ve learnt that it’s alright to like being alone. Because solitude doesn't mean feeling lonely, and being amongst people doesn't stop you from feeling the loneliness either (thanks marissa). I’ve learnt that liking myself more and seeing the best in other people more makes me a happier person. I’ve learnt so much, more than what I can put down here, I’m just thankful that I can bring all this with me to 2009.

This year,
I want to dare to try new things, to give myself challenges, and press on without regrets, knowing that I have tested my boundaries in thinking and in action. I don't want to stick to the old ways of doing things, even if they've produced results, I want to know how much more I can do if I tried another way.
I want to study for love of the subject and not for grades. (Math excluded.)
I want to have another year of no regrets. I know that He's had a hand in all the decisions I've made, because I don't really understand why I made some decisions but on hindsight, they were right. I want be able to consult in Him in every decision I make, and trust that He's got my back, all the way.
I want to be a better friend, one who's empathetic, who encourages, who listens, who doesn't judge, who brings joy. I also want to be able to maintain the healthy platonic Godly friendships I have right now, and know how to be firm about saying no.
I don't want to be tied down by wishes for 45 points, and I don't want studies to take me away from God and my friends. I want to treasure every moment, to not let it waste away or be taken for granted, I want to make the best out of every moment spent in this school because I know that this year’s gonna be over before I know it.
I want to do my best in being a friend and balance it with doing my best for work, and so I want the wisdom to discern, to know how to do this.
In 2007, I wrote in my diary that I wanted to be outstanding. But I don't want to be that anymore. I want to aim for something that is too much to be captured in grades, or teacher’s comments in report cards. I want to do my best, and leave the rest to Him, and rest in the assurance that my future is in His hands. Because I know that He will reward those who work for His glory, and even though it may be in ways that are unexpected, that seem to run contrary to all that I was working towards, I know that He sees beyond what I can see. To a large extent, actually, I think God chooses the grades we get – either to teach us, to spur us to work harder, or to open doors. So in 2009, I want to always give thanks, not compare, be content, give thanks, smile always, treasure my friends, and give thanks.
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11

Alrightt 2009 let’s go let’s go! One chance, no regrets, no giving up, all the wayyy.
And as I was re-reading all the cards from last year and this year, something zeslene wrote on my birthday card really stood out:
I’d rather burn out the best, than let them die as embers.
see y'all later. (:

love, life, and why ?

I don't understand why it is the girl's fault if a guy likes a girl and the girl is totally neutral now but wants to keep her options open/doesn't want to be so hasty in rejection/is afraid of losing a friend so tells him they should just be good friends for now. Why is it considered to be the girl 'playing' the guy? How can it be considered 'leading him on' if she's explicitly told him that she's not interested in him that way? How can a girl be blamed for 'giving him no choice' when the fact is he can go and like another girl for all she cares? Why is continuing to treat him as a good friend considered 'giving him false hope'? Why can't guys be satisfied with having a platonic relationship? Okay maybe I'm stereotyping here, so guys don't get offended, you can swop the sexes and reread this then help me out here. Plus, what if some guys are just so thick-headed they don't get it and don't give up hope and keep liking you, is it still the girl's fault in any way? What on EARTH are we supposed to do? If we're damn mean, you say we're bitches and heartless and tactless for 'totally hurting him' and 'could have at least put it in a nicer way'. If we try to do it nicely, we're 'not clear enough' and sometimes accused of 'keeping your options open but not his cos he's gonna keep liking you until you tell him clearly'. Why are we being called selfish when 1) it's not like we led them on and begged to be liked, 2) they are being selfish by putting us in this dilemma and forcing us to make a decision? Isn't it a risk they decided to take themselves? So can't we just leave the whole selfish thing out of the equation? It kind of balances out, anyway.

I mean, yeah granted, the person who's being liked probably has the upper hand, the power to decide, to make the person stop liking you. To totally snuff out all his hopes and break his heart and make him go into depression for a while and hopefully he'll bounce out of it after a while. While it's already unfair enough that you have to do this kind of awful thing to another person, fine, in retrospect you'll realise maybe you did the right thing by rejecting him after all. But is that the only way? How do you maintain a platonic relationship without giving each other 'false hope' that something's gonna come out of this friendship, but without eliminating that possibility altogether? For some people, you're quite clear that no, he/she's definitely not the one, but for others, mm not too sure. So, how?

And, what counts as 'giving the wrong signals'? What's wrong with being friendly and hanging around people that make you happy? What's wrong with showing people that you're happy around them? It's not like I flutter my eyelashes and lick my lips and twirl my hair at them?

I know I risk sounding like a total idiot with all these questions that probably have duhh answers to 'em. And maybe I risk being hated too? (but this is not a personal attack on anyone! I am genuinely confused!)
But yes, this is soo frustrating and mind boggling (for me), so at least I asked (:

GOODBYE EE. I HOPE I NEVER HAVE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
But because I know you love me so, I'm gonna see you really soon. With the order to chop you in half and limit you to being a miserable 4000 word long essay.
But whatever, I'm freaking happy I'm not going to see you on Christmas.
AHH THIS FEELS GOOD.

SLEEEEEEP.

I LOVE HARIBO GOLDBAREN/HARIBO MACHT KINDER FROH UND ERWACHSENE EBENSO. whichever of those words meant haribo gummy bears.
THANK YOU BRENDA I <3 YOU!

Oh my word I'm going to finish them all in one night.

):

ARRRRR. ARRRRRR, says I.
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHH!
I hate you EE.

I believe that doing EE will train up my mental perseverance.
Mental perseverance ftw!

ARRRRRHRHHHHHHH!!!

choh-ach'im?

It's 11.34 and it feels like 7 pm. Looks like it's gonna be another 4 am night. Surprising thing is that I didn't even take coffee. If only ACS offered afternoon schooling then maybe this 4am-10am timing could work for me. But nah, things don't always go your way. Nope nope.

I think living in the olden days would have been better. Maybe there'd be more romantic excitement. What with all the forbidden loves and class problems. I guess every generation has it's own version of romance then. But still, it would be nice. (: If only life went the way you daydreamed it to be.

EE: Day 2

8 Dec
8.00 am: Wakes up, breakfast. Nice, nice, nice cold weather.
9.00 am: Goes back to sleep :D
11.00 am: Wakes up! D: Reads more journals.
1.00 pm: Aunties visit and make a lot of noise. ):
3.00 pm: Reads journals/Watch jap drama.
6.00 pm: Dinner! + evening stroll through the park.
8.00 pm: Writes Introduction and Lit Review.
11.00 pm: Finishes and shortens Introduction.

9 Dec
1.00 am: Halfway through Lit Review, manages to hunt down the volatile compounds in lemon, lemongrass, and peppermint using the magical NUS online journal database. Had to sieve through like 50 journals of irrelevant stuff cos the keyword search is lousy like that.
1.07 am: JAP DRAMA :D yeahhhh.

EE: Day 1

7 Dec
10.20 pm: Starts EE.
10.30 pm: Finishes deciding on and subsequently typing out the title and changes font size to 11 so it fits into 1 line.
12.00 am: Finishes highlighting relevant parts of a couple of journals. Gives up. 'Nights. (:

I'm pretty sure every now and then, we need someone who is able to put down in words all that plethora of emotions we can't seem to express fully. Maybe this will speak to you now, or maybe later. Whatever it is, thanks zes you are loved <33

http://thezmao.blogspot.com/2008/11/leave-light-on.html

Yesterday was fun. The parts when we actually played, that is. But stoning was fun too. The break from the mundaneness (?) of doing anything school-related was really needed I guess (: And I must say, AC guys (assuming Daniel, Isaac, Victor and Joshua were a fair representation of the school) are some major talented people. Like, woah. woah. yeah. Not forgetting our damnnn cool drummer Ann. Haha okay I suck at trying to describe this, but yeah. WOAH. They can freaking play anything and everything luh. Soo envious. Now I'm inspired to retake piano Dip and buck up with my guitar.

Haha. I guess it's back to attempting to start ee then. andd I'm out (: