it is 1:40 and i am feeling insecure.
i realise i start thinking too much when i'm up and alone in my room. because i become acutely aware that i am a single entity and i have to be sure of myself for me to exist.
that i am insecure about something that i am that i was made this way but that i cannot change.
that i am insecure about how i feel. because i don't even know, sometimes, what i am feeling, whether temporal counts or must it be a lasting feeling.
that i am insecure about what will happen.
that i am insecure about how people will see me once they know what is wrong with me. but oh does it really matter, when it all comes down to this.
but at the same time, i am secure in the knowledge that i am held securely in His hand.

this is the problem. i can't say what i really want to say and no one knows what i really want to say but i want to say it so i shall write it in my diary and keep it to myself.

oh god i think i'm so queer i freak myself out sometimes.

"城里的月光把梦照亮,请温暖他心房,看透了人间聚散,能不能多点快乐片段;
城里的月光把梦照亮,请守护它身旁,若有一天能重逢,让幸福撒满整个夜晚!"

listening to a billion acapella songs by es'choir, budak pantai, shwing! mmm i love acapella :D

hahah not bad my current chinese song library stands at:
《城里的月光》by ?
《过火》by 张信哲
《担心》by 陳潔儀

rawrr i wish i could steal my sister's ipod to tide me through all the nights (:
YAYY finished math portfolio. :D time check - 4.44 AM.
ta-daa. time for group 4. (:
i'm like insanely happy. i've listened to all the fallout boy and five for fighting albums on her ipod.

omg i swear i can't carry out a conversation with william without laughing.

William says:
how long is ur portfolio
debbie says:
erps.
debbie says:
30 pages.
William says:
wow
William says:
woah
William says:
woops
William says:
weep
William says:
wa
William says:
wah
William says:
what
William says:
william
debbie says:
...

hahahahah omg he is full of .
sigh. damn funny.

P1: people can say a billion things to try to make you feel better.
P2: but somehow a few words from someone can turn your entire mood from downright miserable to absolutely positive. like the sun is beaming in your face kind of happy.
C: sometimes it doesn't actually matter what we say to people to encourage them, it's more about who the words are coming from.

does that make sense? :i
okay back to math putttfolio.

"School's been so awesome. But I realize that there only 2 years to do this and its all gonna be over just like that. Time already is flying as fast as it is and its gone mad.

...Or is it just me and my inability to maintain friendships, is it just me and my liability to push people away? Or is it not anyone's fault, is it just time? Or is it just everyone else too busy with their own lives to remember me? Or am I being too sentimental?

There is, a lot going in my life now. And for the most part its really exciting and all I can say, is not that this is happiness or anxiety or loneliness. I just feel like I'm living. Like this is meant."

when i read zes's post just now there was this one word that just burst out it just popped out in my head and i don't know if i said it out loud but i just felt so happy, reading and re-reading her post all over again. YESSS. yes, this is it. omg, yes. all the randoms lines that come out of nowhere when i'm in school just walking down the corridors, all these short, disjointed observations and emotions that i could never piece together. thank you love for putting it all down in words.

east west home is best. it's not about which school we're in, how close we are or how many times we meet. home is what we make it to be for ourselves. it is not a tangible location, it is a feeling. and having friends like this, we live different lives but somehow reach the same understandings, the same emotions, the same questions the same struggles, the same realizations.and it is amazing how you can find home even when you least expect to find it, when you feel so distant. & when it hits you, there is nothing else to do but to thank God, thank God that there is someone who knows. in this, details don't matter. how we come out of our experiences is what matters. and knowing that there is someone else, someone who has come out of a totally different experience yet feeling the same way, that knowledge is so precious. it makes all the difference.

thanks for making my week <33.

there is something fascinating about watching a new chairperson take over your position. seeing the same formalities when dealing with teachers, the million administrative emails clogging up your inbox, the attempted impartiality when talking about members, the awkwardness in responding to seniors asking how's the ensemble, the new style, the desire to be a better chairperson than the previous one. chairpersons change, ensembles change, different people fill up different sections, the sound of the music changes even though the conductor stays the same, three-quarters of the ensemble stays the same. there's this strange feeling when you go back and visit them and they tell all the juniors, this was our former chair! when you try to show concern for how the ensemble's doing and how the new chair's coping, yet knowing full well she's capable of doing perfect without you.

there's just this sense of distance, of disconnectedness. the past seems like a really long time ago, even though it really hasn't been that long ago.

everything just passes so fast nowadays.

YESS :D finished EE proposal lalalalala.
my clock reads - 02:55.

cross fingers and toes that i won't die in church tomorrow. today.
oh god let this be a one-off exception.

oh mother.
when i was told consistency was needed in ib, i had no idea that much consistency was needed. D: D: D:
going for voices in flight was seriously amazing, hc choir is awesommmee.
but now i feel completely thrown off balance. especially with my first time sleeping before 12 in a very very long time :D

things to do by next week:
1. EE proposal - monday
2. Bio essays and mcq - monday
3. Econs tys essay - monday
4. TOK presentation - thursday
5. Grp 4 project proposal - friday
6. chem ws :x
7. IOP essay
8. Math IA
9. econs cas proposal (><)

plus cssp and youth.care and bio olympiad. i could seriously keeeel william for telling me to join bio olympiad.
rawrrr. and i have no idea what ANYONE plans to do for wow. i presume mangrove planting and doing a puppet show requires zilch preparation?

what committment should i drop? hmm. chem tuition? might come in handy when the topics get harder. tennis? not over my dead body. youth.care? very mean to drop out like that right :/ sigh. AMANDAAA. sign me up for what. ): bio olympiad? omg joogal will be soo pissed.

lots of little things = not enough time for studies = not enough sleep = too much coffee = die early. take that for a math equation, gtg!

can't wait for guitar to start again. whee i want a concert!! :D

God i'm so tired.
sometimes i wish i went unnoticed. then i wouldn't ever need to expect anything from anyone.

oh oh how terribly annoying.

glamour is annoying in the oh-moan-oh-groan-life-is-so-unfair-why-is-everyone-so-frickin'-pretty way. if you want to get a taste of what i mean, try the rj dance concert photos on facebook. rawwrrrr this is me being jealous because i look like, that. ): never mind. i shall be content with looking, um, "amiable". *sobs.

a sad attempt to look glamorous is even more annoying in the oh-my-goodness-i'm-not-very-pretty-myself-but-at-least-i-don't-try-so-hard-and-fail-so-miserably-way. i was in the car on my way from chem to tennis today and there were these three girls, sitting at the back of a truck. you know, that type of open air truck and they put a sofa at the back so people can sit kind of truck. point to note: this is not me being elitist or unsympathetic. sitting at the back of the truck is perfectly fine with me. but what they were doing was just. .. it elicited an omg-wth-covers-face-with-hand response from me, so. :i well they were these three girls, i'm guessing 15-18 years old, and they were like, okay looking i guess. without the makeup. but i swear they had so much make up put on they just looked unnatural. like, think ultra thin, coloured in eyebrows, pink blusher, strange nails, mascara. and guess what they were doing? they were camwhoring. yes, sitting in their openaired truck, in the middle of orchard road, acting cute but failing miserably, camwhoring. oh gosh why do some girls have this absolute lack of situational awareness, propriety, or even some semblance of self-respect? why. do they. subject themselves to such humiliation?

pooff. there's something about bimbos and superficial people that never fails to piss me off. for goodness sake, show that you're worthy of some form of respect? well, at least try to act as if you're mature. better than proclaiming to the whole world your utter lack of care for anything else other than your (non-existent) looks. ugghh. girls. don't give cause for more misogynists to arise in this world.

heaven help the female population.
D;

"The celebration of Labour Day has its origins in the eight hour day movement, which advocated eight hours for work, eight hours for recreation, and eight hours for rest. On 21 April 1856 Stonemasons and building workers on building sites around Melbourne, Australia, stopped work and marched from the University of Melbourne to Parliament House to achieve an eight hour day. Their direct action protest was a success, and they are noted as the first organized workers in the world to achieve an eight hour day with no loss of pay, which subsequently inspired the celebration of Labour Day and May Day."

yeah right. more like 13 hours of work, 6 hours of sleep, 5 hours for meals, making coffee, looking for food to eat, playing guitar, feeding hamster, watching random chinese comedy, smsing, tying and retying hair.

gosh if only i could march around school and protest.

and i just got reminded of how i haven't watched a movie since last year.
RAWWRRRRR.
fastforward to november holidays please!
):

i need time to sit down and appreciate a good book.