I am a spa-faceee

Today's interview has led me to several conclusions about myself:
1. I am honest to the point of stupidity
2. I am too poor
3. I have not mastered the art of bs-ing.

Honesty is not a virtue, not when you confess to the interviewer that the only way you can get into the school is if you're on a scholarship that is offered to 5 people a year, and that your parents decided they don't have the money to afford the school fees.

SERIOUSLY DEBBIE WHAT WERE YOU THINKING UGHHHH ):

That aside, it's incredibly annoying how I actually knew the answer to the phloem transport question but because I thought the answer was too simple, I must have remembered wrongly. Glucose is pumped into the phloem by active transport, high solute concentration, water from xylem moves in by osmosis, pumps the sugars to where it's needed. SIMPLE. I didn't even have to mention that it was called pressure flow hypothesis since the interviewer hasn't studied botany for the past 50 years of his life! Being the stupidly honest person I am, I confessed to him that I couldn't remember the details, but it probably had something to do with water from the xylem and pressure being created in the phloem and glucose being actively transported into the phloem. Technically if I had told him the wrong thing, he probably wouldn't have known heh. Should have realised that earlier darnit. ):

And the Ashley Treatment's on a girl in US and it happened in 2007, not "in UK quite some time ago, 2000-something?". Information failll. On hindsight, I was super dumb to say UK. He's been in UK for ages, and if he hasn't heard of it, then DUHH IT DIDN'T HAPPEN IN THE UK. omgosh I am a failure.

Ohwells. At least it's over and I can start mugging for IB and try getting that 45 for real. And BMAT, perhaps I'll get such impressive results they decide to offer me a place even though I screwed up the interview hoho.

Then again, I seem to be on a screwing up spree. First IOC, then prelims, then interview. IB/BMAT next? cross fingers and toes.

very tired.

get over it don't think about it stopppppp! don't go there.
I need to master the art of blocking out a tiny part of my mind.

when your best isn't enough,

give up. right now, I don't feel up to it at all. As much as I want to be the strong person I believe I am, as much as I tell myself this is just God's way of motivating me, it hurts, it sucks, and there's a part of me that doesn't want to bounce back from this, that just wants to give up now. All my life I've told myself that if I worked hard enough for anything God would give it to me, that God would reward me. So no matter how tired I was I always pushed on. But now it seems like there's only so much I can work for, you either have it or you don't, and no amount of pushing yourself can give it to you. But I know it's really not about how much you work for something, it's really up to God, whether He wants to give it to you, whether it's in his whole grand scheme of things, and as long as you give him your best He'll make something out of it. Yet it's hard to let go. It's hard to fully understand what letting God be in control is really about. As much as I say not by my strength but by his, as much as this year has driven me to the cross and made me understand that I can't do this on my own, it's hard to face the fact that sometimes you can try so hard and not get any results. And I know I shouldn't let results define me. But somehow along the way I got so tied up with academic success and accustomed to flukes that I can't deal with failing a paper, I can't face my grades, I tried to kill my hopes of getting above 40 and I thought I was ready for today, but deep down I really wanted it. It doesn't feel like me at all, I don't fail papers and I don't screw up all 3 papers for a subject. This sucks as a way of ending the academic year.

I need to get this out of my system so I can move on damnit. But right now, telling myself I can do it is just delusional. I thought I could, but turns out it's just a joke. 45? be realistic. ughh.

one day to wallow in self pity. then time to move on.

officially

screwed for bmat.
quit lifeee.
even if I studied for section 2,
SECTION ONE WOULD KILL MY SCORE.
not to mention that I haven't looked at section 3. which I don't really feel like seeing now because although 1 month is scarily close, I might go into panic attack if I see it now.
time to give up and sleep. and perhaps. start studying for ib exams tmr.

UGHHHHHHHHHHHH!
UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH