this is bad

right now, my mind is a
vacuum
a rest - an 8-bar long rest
the awkward silence when you know you should be able to say something but somehow

i can't think of what to say.
maybe i pushed the pause button.

don't know why i've done what i done,
why i do what i do,
why i want what i want.

messages from God

Focus.

Don't lose hope. Try your best and leave the rest to me.

I will open doors for you.

I have a plan for you, and I know what's best for you.

Listen to me. BE ATTENTIVE.

Be courageous. Don't doubt yourself, for I am behind you.

Not by your strength, but by mine.

Don't be angry with me if you don't get what you want.

I will provide.


And so I take comfort in the words of Psalm 139:13-16 -
"For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be."

Scholarship and uni apps. Scary stuff ):

"Nothing, my lord"

And so IOC's over. I thought there'd be a profound sense of emptiness and lack of meaning in life after it was over. I mean, that was supposed to come after the delirious euphoria of having finished it. People burning their notes, shredding their extracts, dumping it into paper recycling bins, using it as rough paper for math workings. Somehow I kinda skipped all that I guess. It feels like it never happened. It's not even neutrality or ambivalence (or is it?). I remember waking up every day this week with bits and pieces of the stuff I'd memorised the day before running through my head. I remember having 3-4 h of sleep a day rushing out notes for extracts, memorising them, practising annotating them, and having to rely on coffee (and you) to keep me awake. But the whole experience of blanking out in the boardroom, walking into MR1 feeling totally unprepared, stumbling over my words - it just feels unreal. It doesn't fit. I was supposed to walk out of that room feeling a sense of liberation. I had it all planned out in my mind, I had imagined walking out smiling. I wasn't supposed to walk out feeling totally blank (maybe it was dazed. or in shock?). Haha and crying was the last thing I thought I'd ever do.

Perhaps there's a tinge of regret. That I couldave studied in a different way, that I couldave studied less and screwed up less. That perhaps if I had another go, I'd have made it good.

But I'm over all that. Because it didn't fit, so I guess I skipped over that crappy bit pretty fast. So I'll be fine. Back on my feet and catching up on all that backlog of mathchembio heh. Thanks, to those people who wished me all the best and who encouraged me after it. (:


Thanks for being where i needed you to be the most - next to me.

I HAVE A RESOLUTION.
I will finish my lear notes tonight.
No matter how late I finish.

There. Now that I've put my resolution on public domain, I have to keep to it.
(:

(this had better work)