Yesterday the sun set really early. The courts had to turn on the lights at 6.30, which is half an hour earlier, and by the time I'd reached home it was 9.00-ish kindof dark. And somehow I had this strong fear that the sun might not rise today because it was just so dark, so I told my dad 'it looks like the sun may not definitely rise tomorrow', and he said 'well if that happens, it just means our Lord is coming.'

It made me scared because I realised I really don't want to leave this earth just yet. And the incident just made me realise that God's coming anytime, and yet I feel so unprepared, so undeserving to be taken to Heaven. I've had 17 years to seek Him and to share His Word, but how have I spent it? I've never shared the Gospel with anyone, because I'm always too scared of skeptics, and it's only recently that I've made some semblance of effort by reading Strobel's Case for Faith, but I can't seem to maintain that sense of urgency that I get occasionally and which dies off after awhile. While my faith in what He can do is strong, at the same time it feels hollow at times and incomplete because it doesn't seem to have a historical backing, it doesn't have the full support of all the biblical content, and it just doesn't seem right that I can relate to certain parts of the Bible and not others. Daniel and Hebrews were really dry at the start, until I came to the familiar stories and practical applications, and it seemed that my interest in the Bible was based on familiar childhood stories and nothing more. Which is funny, because while there is so much to learn from the Bible, I can readily pick up my textbooks and start mugging, whereas it takes soo much discipline to pick up the Bible, or even start reading Case for Faith. It seems almost illogical, on hindsight, now. Because I tell myself that mugging for bio and chem oly is soo urgent, it's in about a month from now; yet God could come any day now, I could meet someone wavering in his/her faith tomorrow, yet because the deadlines are intangible I procrastinate, and I guess it'll be too late for regrets when that happens.

While I feel tied down by jc life at the same time I realise how unwilling I am to leave all this behind. And admittedly I am reluctant to solve this. ): Somehow, the only thought that's in my mind now is how much I don't want to leave yet. There's just so much more to do! I know for sure I definitely want to go on my first date before He comes and takes me, better still if I get married (:

I know i'm ending this hanging halfway, but I've gotta get started on bio prac like noww, but one thing's for sure, I'll remember to thank Him every morning when the sun rises (: