No. 10/120506

i'm very sad. very VERY sad. screw ss man. i know this sounds ridiculous, i know you guys are going to swear at me for saying what i'm gonna say, i know people are gonna say "you know, grades aren't everything..don't stress, it's just SCHOOLLIFE." and marissa's gonna say - "don't worry ABOURIT". but it's not just ss. it's the whole idea of that score sheet, that gpa, those 2 digits with a dot in the middle, that green-white sheet of paper; i don't ever want to fail. i know I KNOW okay? failure's gonna come like BANG! in my face when i least expect it but hey, it's who i am okay? so just deal with it. grades determine me okay? yeah THERE. i spat it out. yeah i know I KNOW i'm like some mugger who mugs maths 15 min before a concert starts, but that's me man. it's like. for me, it's like grades are the only things that make me special, that make me..noticed. do you get what i mean? probably not. mm. as in. that number that ONE number - it embodies me. it's who i am, it's how much of a person i am, it's got a lot to say about me. it's what i do every day, it's how i mix with people, it's basically months and months of me put inside one number. and i don't want to fail. i hate failing- i admit it. and i know i know that once i fail i'm gonna fail again and again and i can't let that happen to me. this whole year has been a failure. everything's gone wrong, nothing's gone the way it should have gone, and nothing has been the way it was meant to be and here i am crying at my com because of ONE STUPID NUMBER.

yeahyeah i need counselling. why? because i'm not doing my guitar logs stuff, i'm not doing my lit pt, i'm not studying for chem or math, because i've not been practising my piano NOR guitar though i really want to and my fingers are itching damn they're itching.

stars rain sun moon
(and only the snow can begin to explain
how children are apt to forget to remember
with up so floating many bells down)

one day anyone died i guess
(and noone stooped to kiss his face)
busy folk buried them side by side
little by little and was by was

all by all and deep by deep
and more by more they dream their sleep
noone and anyone earth by april
wish by spirit and if by yes.

it's a beautiful poem. hope you enjoyed it.
(<3 cummings!)