ti(r)ed down :

i am perpetually torn between wanting to be a rebel and doing what i think is gonna work better for me, heckcare to what everyone else thinks of me, and being the perfect model student who just does whatever is expected of her.
why is it so hard for me to do what everyone else seems to have no problem doing? i don't even know why on earth i waste so much deliberating over what anyone else could decide in a split second.
the need to please everyone else is stifling me. the rational way of carefully measuring out the pros and cons of every damn action is just too timeconsuming and draining and sometimes i really, really, want to just not give a damn.

i am soo behind in my studying. and all the expectations, the double standards, they're are too much, too many to ignore. i really didn't want this, i really didn't. i thought brushing it off would work fine, but there's really no way to avoid it, is there? i thought i could be mature about it, keep up the whole studying only to honour Him but now it's so real and facing it every day is just changing things in ways that i don't seem to have any control over. i can't study the way i want to anymore, i can't learn all the extracurricular stuff that's actually interesting because i've got to revise whatever's tested. everything is so controlled now and it's hard not to conform to those expectations and guidelines, what with the ridiculous dean's list and rankings and making exams into such a huge competition when exams weren't meant to be that way anyway. & i have prayed and i have told God that i'll just do my best and entrust the rest into His hands, but sometimes all the tiredness goes beyond the surviving on 3 hours of sleep every day and all of a sudden it just hits me and it's hard to stand firm and truly believe in what i pray.

i wish i could be in total control of what's going on, but i guess it's His way of teaching me to just leave everything up to Him.

I am not yet born; O fill me
With strength against those who would freeze my
humanity, would dragoon me into a lethal automaton,
would make me a cog in a machine, a thing with
one face, a thing, and against all those
who would dissipate my entirety, would
blow me like thistledown hither and
thither or hither and thither
like water held in the
hands would spill me.

Let them not make me a stone and let them not spill me.
Otherwise kill me.