I've come to the point where what I stood for has now been trampled upon by the one person I had hoped the most to give me the emotional suport I need to make the change. I guess the word is disappointed. Or maybe I've heard so much, you've been drilling it into my head, that I've come to the point where I just want to give up and show you what it means to lose that part of me that could have made things better, that part of me that could have taken me so much further. Sometimes I wish I could just break down completely so that you take more notice of what you say. But that's just pathetic because regretting isn't going to take me anywhere.
I really viewed the change from RJ to AC with so much excitement and hope because I thought it was something that was going to give me the chance to go further. I really wanted to enjoy studying and writing and learning to speak out. I was so damn positive damnit.but every day I am told that I have betrayed the school, I am the odd one out I have voluntarily kicked myself out of my own social circle I am a misfit, I have voluntarily left my friends, I have given up any advantage I once had over others, the sacrifices aren't worth the risk. My decision is a stupid one and I have to prove myself using results, I have to start from scratch, I have to push myself to my limits to get back up to the position that I have fallen from. I have put myself at an disadvantage, I am an emotional wreck, I am not thinking rationally and I have to pay for it. I am frowned upon, I have fallen from grace. I am no longer respected by the adults, I am deemed to be afraid of competition, people think I am escaping and I am taking the easy way out. There is disbelief, there is doubt, and failure is not an option.
This is the way I have been taught to look at my life for the next two years. I must work, I must pay. Enjoyment is an indication of a wrong decision and calls for reflection upon my bad bad decision. I must work twice as hard as everyone else, I must go for alevel tuition and study for sats, because I have put myself at a disadvantage, and I am under a microscope and people are watching me and they want results like I do.So much for things becoming better.
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5 comments:
hey debbie you know what, i really don't think that your choice was a dumb one. i'm really sorry for deciding not to go AC in the end but the decision was forced by circumstances so i guess i couldn't do anything about it. my mum told me to go for it but i didn't, and i don't know what stopped me? fear probably, of failure. that's why i'm so proud of you for daring to go ahead. you really don't have to prove anything to anyone you know because you are NOT escaping, NOT taking the easy way out. and we all know that.
so dear, don't feel like you've betrayed anybody, because you haven't. in our hearts you still belong. (:
ah see la, you make me feel so guilty and sad. ah rarr, live my dream for me okay my good friend! :D
<3 yvonne/
ahhhh debbie!
don't ever ever let anyone else make you believe that your choice was not the right one cos this is YOUR life girl, this is YOUR story to write, and no one, NO ONE at all, has the right to tell you whether you made the right choice. so im really praying that you find the strength and the courage to stand up for what you believe in, and really fight to prove them wrong.
and one thing i learnt from OM is that regret can be such a painful thing, so in this life, all we can do is fight for no regrets. and as much as all your insecurities, of not being enough, of not fitting in, of having to leave the familiar to go try something so out of your comfort zone, are making you regret, i think we're all so proud of you for actually DARING to go out there, instead of living of the world of could have beens, would have beens, and should have beens. and i think you would have really regretted not going a whole lot more.
and i know sometimes what the heart wants you to do is not always the most rational thing, or the most sensible thing, so its so often passed off as stupid. but since we're living in this island or CONVENTIONAL and SAFE, to take the other path, is by no way a weakness, but a srength, and so i really applaud you for that. and somehow i know at the end of the two years you're not going to regret any of this. cos youre one of the most wonderful people i know, and youve got one of the most beautiful souls, and so fitting in and being liked is seriously one of the last things you should ever have to worry about.
and debbie goh, remember that no matter what I LOVE YOU. (and i'm sure that there are so many other people who do). and i'm not just saying this to make you feel better, i really mean it okay! so if anybody wants to fight you out there, they have to come through me (and probably half of our 410 gang -- OMG MARISSALEE CAN BE OUR GANG LEADER!) xD
take care okay love.
god bless <3
what i think really, is that its your life, its your choice and what you've got to do is live with whatever you have chosen.
i faced the same situation as you, caught between acsi and rjc. and for my own reasons, i chose rjc in the end. i do not believe that my choice is a lesser one, as i do not believe that your choice was a lesser one.
but what i am afraid of is, that presented with such a circumstance, we inevitably try to make it as if ours is the better choice. but really, there is no better choice, not one that is fully objective anyway. what is better? is better happiness or boys or grades?
i just dont want you to be disappointed, as i don't want myself to be either. (not that its very difficult cos you and mari put down rj every other day xD) because you put so much hope in ac, because you think it will be better, because there are so many people to prove wrong.
things haven't turned out any way yet, and you don't even know. maybe following the rules has been too much and you want out and this is your chance.
its just a school, really, and what matters is the people and the education.
don't succumb debbie. its your life, you choose and you get to have your happiness or your sorrow. whatever it may be.
but take pride that you had a choice. not many people do.
i did, and that is a blessing because i will take rj seriously. and you did and that is a blessing too. because you will shine, because you will want to shine, and you will show them that you do not succumb, that you can live the way you want.
and that is something, not many people do.
love :D
debbie you're a beautiful person, everyday, always. remember that.
there will always be times where we start looking back at the decisions we made and we wonder, should we have even made them at all? but there are reasons as to why we made those decisions in the first place, and so long as we stand firm by those reasons, regret won't be coming into the picture anytime soon.
we salute you for stepping out to what you believe will be a better choice, and we honestly do. to follow your heart's choice, to follow the path God has laid out for you. this was a decision made only after much prayer and waiting for an answer, waiting for approval, and when it came, you went ahead. how wrong can that be? God led you to acsi, and rest assured, and have faith that He will bring you through as He promised He would.
you're strong, debbie, and we know you'll make it through even stronger than when you first started. we know it, and you must know that too.
so be that person you are. stand up and face each difficulty with optimism, with the faith that you'll soar through the next two years, and you'll bring hope and make a difference in the lives of those around you. just like you've doing for the past four years.
and should you ever fall, you know there are always, always people back here to cushion your blow, to lend you a helping hand and to lift you back up again. we'll always be here, and you aren't forgotten, you aren't left behind. on the contrary, you're there ahead of us, and when you turn back we'll be waving on.
so many words, and so many hugs. but we mean them, that we'll always be here no matter what.
trust God. stand tall, and stand proud.
we love you debbie goh <3
(vinna)
debbie!
no dear, you haven't fallen from grace or the position you used to be in. you'll always be intelligent, nothing can deny that, and of couse, special in all our hearts. you've not made a dumb decision to go but a brave one, to be the one and only from our school is also to represent the rest of us, to prove that you're adjustable and it's no easier way but it's even harder. we love you all the same, where ever you are, whatever school uniform you wear. you're still debbie goh and we all love you just the way you are. don't let someone have dictatorship over your life (i know it's hard but the human spirit can always fight), whenever you need encouragement there will always be people standing beside to push you on. don't give up debbie, we haven't given up on you. cya on wed at pillowman ;)
smile dear. life's too short to waste on feeling sad.
<3!
miffie
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